If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours. --Clarence Day 

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child.  She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson 

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. --Sam Levenson 

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. --Douglas Adams 

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones 

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you! --Tommy Smothers 

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.  --Jackie Mason 

When you go into court, you're putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby 

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of  those we don't like? --Jean Cocturan 

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno 

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. --Jerry Seinfeld 

"Always" and "never" are two words you should always remember never to use. --Wendell Johnson 

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg 

The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder at the
possibility that there may be something to them we are missing. --Gamel Abdul Nasser