Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when
Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the
following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work
before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because
I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will
get you whipped... by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us
if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
little trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have
it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth
for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two
pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and
served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on
weekends. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million dollar combine
that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We
stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to.
So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really
want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways--Interstates
29, 35, & 69 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard.
It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for
driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit!