PESKY HORSES GETTING YOU DOWN?? ARE YOU NOT GETTING THE RESPECT YOU DESERVE, EVEN THOUGH YOU SEEM TO SPEND ALL DAY IN THE ROUNDPEN? KNOW YOU'RE THE ALPHA MARE BUT THE HORSES THINK YOU'RE JUST SOME AVERAGE JOE? TIRED OF FLATTENING YOUR EARS AND NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE?
Well...Now all your dominance hierarchy problems can be a thing of the past with our revolutionary, patented MARE-A-WEAR system! Years of research have gone into the design of our state-of-the-art MARE EARS.
These are not like any of the other prosthetic horse appendages currently available on the Internet. This is a quality product. We pride ourselves on our LIFE LIKE faux horsehide covering, but what sets us apart is our inner looped-coat hanger-ear-flexion system, based on the time-tested Longstocking model. You pin these bad boys, and they stay pinned. Simply bend ears to desired level of menace, put on head, and tighten drawstring till secure. NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED! Then enter the pasture and watch those uppity horses change their tune. What could be simpler?
Enjoy our Basic system now for just $129.99 US! Basic system includes:
One pair of our remarkable LIFELIKE mare ears in a variety of breeds (Available in your choice of chestnut, bay, or black. Coming soon--brown!)
Gusty winds? No problem. Even Warmblood ears stay in place with our clever Mare-A-Wear patented drawstring attachment system!
"New to the Herd: A First-Timer Instruction Booklet" (Sections include: Adjusting your Ears for Maximum Results, Look Mean like You Mean It, Proper Care of Your Mare-A-Wear, and a helpful FAQ-- "the dog ate my left ear. Can I get a replacement?" etc)
As a final symbol of our commitment to the pecking order, you will receive FREE-- AS OUR GIFT-- our patented Equine Language Audiocassette. Sure, it *sounds* like any old recording of Trigger neighing at inappropriate times BUT what makes our patented Equine Language Audio cassette the industry standard is our double-patented, subliminally-encoded message! Yes, you heard right! While Mr. Big-Easyboots is munching expensive hay in that smug way of his, being implanted in his unsuspecting psyche are the words, "you're not so hot...you're not so hot... you're not so..." (Other variations may include "the other horses laugh at you", "your mother was a donkey", or "you may step on my feet but I could eat you at any time.")
We'll just see who's Mr. Big Alpha-Pants in the morning.
Satisfied customers speak out...
"This is more than just some fake horse ears you stick on your head; it's a training system." B.P. Big Stick, WY.
"I never would have believed it. My rotten horse always used to push on me, but from the very first day with MARE-A-WEAR, he just stood there looking at me. Remarkable." S.J., Plarn, MI.
"Gentlemen, I'm sold on your MARE-A-WARE (sic) product. I have the Criollo ears in bay, and even though I still carry a piece of rebar with me to the pasture I'm convinced it's your LIFELIKE ears that have made the difference." Horselover, somewhere in the Heartland
"Your MARE-A-WEAR ears put the zing back in our marriage. We hope to someday have a horse." R & E, via email
"I run him around the roundpen till we had true unity eleven times but he still wont catch in the pasture. But when I put on my MARE ears and go to get him, them other old geldings get out of my way." DF, Crust, TX.
"Mare-A-Wear even fooled our stallion!" (Rough translation, ECG interfering with cell-phone transmission) (Name withheld by request)
Mare-A-Wear Inc. "All you add is a scowl"
(Results may vary. As with any training program, if you are pregnant or think you might be, eat a lot of donuts.)